There I was at the grocery store. Blackberries. A pint for $.99! There, in the produce aisle of Aldi’s.. it happened. 

Lightening struck! 

I. Am. A. Genius. A GENIUS! Oh, it will be revolutionary, I thought. Everyone will see my creative photos and think to themselves, “Wow, that Rachel, she sure is creative and so good at photography and just beautiful and amazing and did I mention creative?” The public will be so impressed with my creativity, they will speak in run on sentences. Oh, YES. These blackberries are the ticket to my milk bath mania success.

A blackberry milk bath. And how perfect that I have my own little model at home to photograph immediately instead of cooking dinner for my family. Priorities, after all.

I grabbed five containers of blackberries and hurried home. I set up my little tub, so impressed with how amazing my ideas are. I get the lighting right, fill the tub with warm water and a little bit of milk.. Yes. You’ve got this girl. -happy dance-

I went out into my yard to snag some wild raspberry clippings because genius. No one will notice. I’ll stick some blackberries on there and and it’ll be like I have real blackberry clippings decorating the tub! OH RACHEL YOU SLY DOG, YOU. How are you this creative and clever? 

I arrange the faux blackberry clippings and open the blackberry containers, popping a blackberry into my mouth. It’s sweet, delicious juice on my tongue was like the decadent taste of victory.

But.. hm.. These are blackberries? 

Have I never actually seen a blackberry up close?.. This can’t.. It can’t be right. Why do they look like.. turds..? Oh my gosh. They look like turds. My berries are shaped like perfect little poops. I experience a minuscule moment of panic. 

No. No, it’s fine. It’s going to be UHMAZEENG.

I put the berries in the tub. They sink to the bottom. NO! NO NO NO! Crap! The fruit is supposed to float so the baby can grab them and eat them all cute! Dang it. Well.. I guess there won’t actually be any blackberries in the black berry bath. That’s probably for the best. They would have looked like floating poops in the bath tub. That’s not creative genius, that’s the reality that every parent faces at some point while bathing their children. And I don’t want my photos to represent reality. I need them to be perfect and beautiful AND NOT REALISTIC because my life has too much reality in it already, like the reality I’m facing at this very moment that my amazing photo session idea is very quickly swirling down the proverbial toilet. Don’t worry about it girl, I tell myself.

Who cares that the bath won’t have any fruit in it? WHO CARES HAHAHA. NOT THIS GIRL, because this girl is a creative genius, and she’s got this sesh on lock down. I just need to decorate around the tub extra good. I just need to put more berries. Pile them up a bit. Add more.. Oh crap, they look like turds. It looks like I’m decorating the outside of the tub with butt nuggets. Why is this happening. Maybe.. Maybe once I put my gorgeous baby in the tub, it’ll make the berries look like berries and not like kaka.

Hugo goes into the tub.. Talk about dropping the kids off at the pool. I lamely fish around in the milk and pull the excrement berries up and sort of plop them onto his belly so he can grab some and eat them.. Ahhh, yes. This is where things are going to get SOW CYOOT. He’s going to chomp, chomp, chomp on these berries with his little toothless smile and it’s going to make everything look like blackberries and not a tub full of dingleberries.

And then he starts eating the berries… Reddish purple, chunky juice running down his face, hands and chest. It looks like he’s eating raw meat or something. Ew. Why is it so.. chunky? So this feels weirdly like Silence Of The Lambs.. Let’s stop eating bloody, chunky berries, son. Let’s get you out of the tub, wash you off and put some lotion on your sk-… Let’s just.. Clean up and see how the photos turned out. Maybe they’ll look better when I get them onto my computer.

And there you have it, folks.